Me, Myself, and I

Hellooooo!

It's been a while since my last post, but I honestly haven't had inspiration (or anything interesting to write about).

I've been in a weird mood as of late. I am perfectly content being by myself and don't necessarily need or even want human interaction. For the past two weeks or so, I haven't really wanted to be around people on a personal level. I don't mind talking to people at work, but when I leave, I just want to be alone, do my own thing, and, as odd as it may sound, not really want to talk to anyone. I think I've been trying to please other people and extended myself towards said people so much in the past year or so that I just want to focus on me for a teensy weensy bit.

Whichhhhh brings me to my next topic: MOTIVATION.

I want to change. I know I said this a few months ago in my fitness kick blog post but I found it hard to stick with because I lost motivation really quickly. I was doing it to be "fit for summer" because that is what is expected by society to become more attractive. But now I have motivation to change whatever I want to about myself so I like me more. I want to be generally more content about everything and I want to list it here as guidelines, I suppose. (And honestly, who doesn't like lists?)

Let me just rant for a bit on some of the topics before I get on with my guidelines (which will be another post as I have yet to actually figure them out)

I. Diet
I don't mean I'm going on some crazy diet regime because I don't believe in that. I know you have to change how you eat if you want to lose weight, but I've never been an advocate of crazy eating habits which are a) unhealthy and b) will be thrown out the window after you achieve your goal, thus you gain back all weight and maybe then some. It's gotta be a lifestyle change that you want to commit to.

On a side  note, I hate hate hate it when people don't eat. They think it's good for them or they make jokes about it but it is severely unhealthy and makes me really uncomfortable. This could be another rant in itself but I shall end it here.

Also, something which is really weird and slightly troubling: I have not had any burning desire for sweet things. If you know me, you know that this is short of the apocalypse.

II. Exercise
Okay, so if someone is exercising, even if it is just A LITTLE BIT more than they were before, SHOVE OFF. At least they are doing something. Who are you to make fun of someone just because they don't exercise as long or as often as you do? You have no right to judge them based on your pretentious standards. Honestly, whenever I see someone doing something active, a little part of me is proud of them. Whether they are skinny or obese, you don't know their situation or why they are the way they are so stop hating. You don't know how they feel when they get up in the morning or when they look in the mirror so leave them the f alone.

III. Socializing and Anxiety

I have realized that I have no problem socializing when I want to, but I don't really have the desire to talk to new people because frankly, socializing on a personal level gives me anxiety. I am completely awkward around pretty much everyone until you get to know me which is a double standard entirely because that requires the anxiety-ridden stages of beginning interaction, I know. But most of the time I am so worried about giving people the "right" impression of me that I don't know what to do. I am much more of a listener than a talker when I am uncomfortable in social situations. I literally have nothing to say to people because that's not how my mind works.

IV. Self Esteem
That brings me to my last thing: self esteem. I've always had a low one and I hope to not simply change that, but to change how I feel about it. I care way too much what people think about me so I think that if I am just me, and am happy about being me, then what other people think won't matter to me as much. I guess you could say that this will be a result of all the other things I have the power to control and change about myself. I hate using the term "happy" because I think we focus too much on "being happy" in this society. Happiness is a fleeting emotion that should come naturally as the byproduct of other things; it should not be a lifestyle goal because it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to be happy all the time. I once heard the saying along the lines of "happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will allude you. But, once you stop chasing it, it will come to you". I really believe that; so in the long run, I think it is much more important to be more accepting and comfortable being me.

Thoughts and comments are always appreciated. <3 Now I must be off to wish my mum happy birthday one last time before it strikes midnight and I must go to bed.

love always,
xo